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Ernests Gulbis Tennis Academy

by TN


Tennisnerd is hereby proudly introducing the Ernests “Hemingway” Gulbis Tennis Academy. You’re welcome. Now listen up you idiots!*

1. Don’t eat before the match. Not eating makes you reach zero blood sugar quickly and will make you extra furious as you go along pummelling that yellow ball (or opponent).

2. Drink heavily the night before. Because you’re entitled to it and it will make you even more furious the next day. Life’s a joke! Hah!

3. If possible: Sleep with random girls without protection. Because who cares really? You’re rich.

4. Make sure to shake your opponents tennis bag in the locker room. Shake the living shit out of it so that his bananas get all mushy. Like his pathetic forehand.

5. Say something rude to your opponent on the way to the court. A your-mama-is-so-fat joke always works. Especially on Fabio Fognini who is Italian.

6. Start by telling the umpire that he’s a blind pig who can’t rely on hawk-eye. And that you will make sure he’s fired in case he fucks up. Your parents should know important people for this to work.

7. Hit the ball incredibly hard during the warm-up. Let the dude know you’re gunning for his head.

8. Exaggerate windmill motion in preparing for shots. This will make for spectacular TV-viewing and annoy your opponent.

9. Stare at him across the net. Make fire with your eyes.

10. Make mockery off his silly shots and, if he hits a good one, applaud in a sarcastic way. Everyone gets lucky once.

11. Break at least one racket. Break it like a man, goddammit!

12. Complain about your umpire’s incontinence, I mean incompetence. Urge him to settle it in a fist fight.

13. Take a swig from your hip-flask of whisky in the changeovers. This together with low water levels and food intake will make your tennis more aggressive and unpredictable.

14. Swear repeatably at yourself, your opponent, the umpire, the audience – well everyone. They’re all bastards.

15. Win?

* This article should be taken with more than a pinch of salt.

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